Draft Review 2015

It's time to look at the first few rounds of our draft again. Remember when we looked at the relative worth of acquiring first and second rounders? Well, here it is, "Early Round Wheeling and Dealing." The conclusion was: don't know! What we do know is that last year's first round was a total disaster, at least for the first few picks.

I can't see exactly who was picked where -- I've rectified that this year by copying CBS' info over to our spreadsheet -- but here were the first seven picks in 2014: Brandin Cooks, Sammy Watkins, Philip Rivers, Jeremy Maclin, Toby Gerhart, Carlos Hyde, and Bishop Sankey. Ouchies. It was actually better to grab the likes of Golden Tate or T.Y. Hilton later on in the round. And it's not like the 2013 draft was much better, with at least 50% flameouts early on. So, let's take a look at 2015 shall we? [Draft Review 2014 | 2013]

ROUND ONE
Hungry Ouroboros bold move for the number one overall selection turned into Todd Gurley, the next Adrian Peterson, albeit with a bum knee. It’ll be interesting if he’ll be able to outplay his fellow rookie running backs over the next few years, or if he becomes an injury hobbled waste of a first pick. Top rookie wideout Amari Cooper went next to P Funk All Stars, and let’s hope he’s better than Tavon Austin, Paolo’s last #2 overall rookie wide receiver.

There was a lot of talk that Melvin Gordon could go #1 based on his opportunities, his skill set, and San Diego being Jon’s hometown, but Jon dislikes all Chargers on principle (“they’re chokers!”) and Gordon went to Ann Arbor Bamfers at 1.3, which means he’ll learn under the tutelage of Frank Gore and CJ Spiller.

And at 1.4, Detroit Players traded down and still got their man, the electric Ameer Abdullah. “Finally, I can cheer for my home team again,” Felipe was heard to exclaim. Overall, six of the first seven picks were rookies, with only Squirtle Squad’s Lamar Miller at 1.5. Right after Miller went Nelson Agholor (Bamfers), Tevin Coleman (Stallionz), and Duke Johnson (Pooh Bears).

As always, Pooh Bears had plenty of picks, and he got two Johnsons back-to-back — Duke and Charles (1.9). Our defending champs, Original Salt, must not believe in Big Ben’s ability to stay healthy as he scooped up Teddy Bridgewater right afterwards. Aside from Devin Funchess at 1.13 to Stallionz, it was a fire sale on running backs after Original Salt’s pick, with rookie TJ Yeldon (Another Bad Creation), Jonathan Stewart (Sweep the Leg Zabka), Alfred Blue (Shoguns of Harlem), and Chris Ivory (Pooh Bears’ third first-rounder) all flying off the board. Detroit Players cleaned up the first round with his second first-rounder, grabbing receiver Breshad Perriman, another rookie.

With the way RD1 picks tend to bust, we should start a side pool to see who can guess the best/worst ones! Right?

ROUND TWO
The second round was mostly about older receivers, with Original Salt and Pooh Bears each getting two: Brandon LaFell (2.7), Anquan Boldin (2.10) to Salt and Jason Witten (2.7), Steve Smith (2.8) to Bears. Victor Cruz also got a look, from Sweep the Leg Zabka at 2.12. [Ed. note: Here’s hoping Cruz has a horrible season, as I was forced to cut him from my keeper team. Although he had a fun cameo on Season 1 of Ballers.]

There was also a fair share of retread running backs and “maybe they’ll get a shot” guys. Tre Mason (2.2, Bamfers), Bishop Sankey (2.13, Warriors), Shane Vereen (2.14), and Danny Woodhead (2.16, both Jedi Knights). The first pick of the second round, P Funk All Stars’, is already out for eight weeks, as rookie running back David Cobb will take a seat on injured reserve. Ouch.

The two highly touted rookie quarterbacks went this round, as Jameis Winston (2.8) joins Detroit Players and will actually get a chance to start since Ariel's team was the only one without a QB keeper. On the other hand, Marcus Mariota (2.15) will become Matthew Stafford’s understudy for Italian Stallionz. We like the alliteration of "Matthew and Marcus" already!

Hungry Ouroboros seemingly auto-picked Rashad Jennings (2.5) but that’s actually who he wanted anyway. No, honestly! The most immediate upside guy from this round is John Brown, 2.6 to Pogiboys, as it’s being said that Brown’s the heir apparent to Larry Fitzgerald, and not Michael Floyd. Or maybe Cody Latimer (2.11, ABC) has something to say about that as he tried to become Wes Welker-lite in Denver.

If you’re counting at home, both Pooh Bears and Players had a bunch of RD1 and RD2 picks. For posterity, here they are: Duke Johnson (1.8), Charles Johnson (1.9), Chris Ivory (1.15), Jason Witten (2.7), Steve Smith (2.9) for Bears versus Ameer Abdullah (1.4), Breshad Perriman (1.16), Maxx Williams (2.3), Jameis Winston (2.8) for Players. Which group will turn out better?

ROUND THREE
Say hello to Cameltoe and Fockers as they join us for the 2015 draft! Both draft tight ends, as Cameltoe grabbed Julius Thomas (3.9) while Fockers lifted inevitably took Antonio Gates (3.15). A couple of quarterbacks were auto-picked, as Jay Cutler (3.2) and Philip Rivers (3.5) both went to Bamfers. It’s actually hard to argue those two picks since we don’t believe in Colin Kaepernick’s skills anymore. Still, three quarterbacks seem like overkill? Someone teach Randy how to queue players! Detroit Players also went all upside with auto-grab Sam Bradford (3.8) to compete with Jameis Winston on opening day.

And that’s not all the QBs drafted. Carson Palmer (3.7) will back up Cam Newton, Alex Smith (3.11) will game manage for Aaron Rodger’s two missed games this season, and Andy Dalton (3.12) will just hang out behind Eli Manning because Eli never misses games.

Blake Bortles (3.13) was going to get a chance to start for Pogiboys but now Tom Brady will come back after annihilating Roger Goodell in court. I bet Bortles feels <insert pun>. Shoguns of Harlem did grab intriguing prospect Tyrod Taylor (3.14) at the end of the round, and maybe he could learn a thing or two watching Tony Romo’s improvisational daring. Let’s just call RD3 the quarterback round as there were eight QBs selected, keeping with the quarterback heavy tradition in years past.

Also, can you believe that no defenses have been drafted through the first three rounds? In 2013 we saw a defense auto-picked in the first round, and 2014 had the the first defense selected at the end of the second round. Well, I’m happy to say that no defenses was picked at all until round four, great job guys! (Except for the two unnamed owners who kept Ravens and Texans DST. Like, seriously?)

You tell me if Devante Parker (3.1), David Johnson (3.3), Knile Davis (3.4), Stevie Johnson (3.6), Reggie Bush (3.10), and Eddie Royal (3.16) will pan out. Usually by round three it’s just reaching for anyone who will get some guaranteed playing time. Of those names, we like Bush to get some solid touches.

ROUND FOUR
Almost nobody drafted down here can be properly evaluated. I mean, where was Odell Beckham Jr. drafted last year? Undrafted? Take a look at RD4s of years past and it’s basically no-man’s land, with nary a solid starter in sight, much less a future keeper. Two DSTs went this round, as did the top kicker, Stephen Gostkowski (4.3), fittingly to Sweep the Leg. And double ouch, P Funk All Stars already lost rookie running back David Cobb, the first pick of the second round, and now Jonas Gray (4.1) has been released by the Patriots. Someone get Paolo to a doctor!

Anyone else of interest down here? We think Josh Hill could be a big get at 4.9 for Cameltoe, but it’s hard to tell if he was auto-drafted. Hill was projected at #3 TE in my magazine and I was hoping to steal him one round later, oh well. Maybe Terrance Williams (4.5) will break out for Warriors, or maybe an old vet like Pierre Garcon (4.12) is a better bet this far down. We’re swimming in the dark here, and this year’s RD4 seemed particular boring.

Lots more upside guys went in RD5 actually, with a whole bunch of young receiers flying off the boards. I mean, who is Jaelen Strong on the Texans? I’ve been watching Hard Knocks every week and never even heard of him! The only receiver to draft off that team, aside from DeAndre Hopkins should be breakout reality star Uzoma “EZ” Nwachukwu right? Actually, can I draft cornerback Charles James II as a running back? He’s amazing!

I guess that’s it, another draft in the books. Let’s see how many of these rookies pan out, and let’s hope Todd Gurley is the next Steven Jackson, or maybe the next Christian Okoye! Niiiiigeeeriiian Niiiightmare!